Date to remember

Dear Diary, Today is the actual one month since my father passed away since 29 Oct 2013. Well, have things change? I dont really know how to answer. But I dont see any improvements between the family relationship though. In fact, I am getting more tired as all are more tense up and no one has the good tone to speak anymore. Dont know how to make this situation better. Perhaps, it is a problem long lies in the family. I am really getting more and more impatient. Tired of myself really. Cant face what is ahead. There are seemed nothing much going on but alot of things ahead that need to settle. Can I cope? I should actually knowing that I am not the worst at the moment of time. But I am a sheep without a guidance. I know I have a God but how am I going to rely on Him fully when I am so away from Him. Sad... is the only word in my soul. I am causing my soul to thirst. :(

我对爸的心

希望他能接受他的健康状况，他不能改变的，并奉献自己的时间和精力给爱他的人和给予他生命的神。 希望他可以从自我拒绝出来，因为时间也不多了，就开开心心的走完这路。

Acceptance

Site from: http://caregiversconnect.sg/features/blogpost-acceptance Blogpost: Acceptance Michael J. Fox once said: “My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance, and in inverse proportion to my expectations.” I applaud him for his wise, positive perspective, not because I used to be a fan of his, having followed him on soap opera Family Ties and the Back to Future movie trilogy during my teenage years but because he has been a positive role model as person with Parkinson’s Disease. Michael was diagnosed with the disease when he was 30 years old, at the peak of his life and career. He remains positive (and handsome too!) and has since become an activist for research toward finding a cure. He was awarded a doctorate of medicine, Honoris causa, by Sweden's Karolinska Institutet in 2010, for his work in advocating and fundraising for a cure for Parkinson's Disease. The key to his achievement is "Acceptance" - accepting his medical condition, accepting the things he cannot change, and dedicate his time and effort in things he can change for the betterment of the society. He has chosen acceptance over self-pity. His happiness is based on realistic expectations. And most of all, instead of asking what others can do for him, he has asked himself what he can do for himself and others. The satisfaction of being in control and independent has led him to happiness. And his happiness has led to other people’s happiness (his family and friends, and people with Parkinson’s Disease). In my years of work with caregivers, acceptance is one big issue related to caregiving. Some caregivers find it hard to accept the change, or the loss (absence) of ability in their family member(s). Some parents get frustrated when their child with special needs cannot catch up with the development milestones. Some get angry over the unreasonable behaviour of their loved one with dementia. Some get annoyed when their aged parent wets their pants. Don’t we know that children with special needs have learning difficulty, people with dementia have cognitive impairment, and aged people commonly have incontinence? In the midst of all these frustration, anger and disappointment, very often, you can find guilt. We actually feel guilty of thinking or behaving in such a negative way. Does that sound familiar to you? An important part of our life is to learn to accept changes. Do we want to feel bitter over the things we cannot change; or learn to accept those, learn to let go of those, and maximise our energy on things we can change? Which one you think is more do-able? I would like to encourage caregivers to persevere. As change is a constant in life, sometimes an issue gets resolved on its own even without you doing anything about it. Therefore, hang in there! Go get emotional support from fellow caregivers and be inspired by others’ stories - this will definitely help keep your morale high. 迈克尔J.福克斯曾经说过： “我的幸福成长成正比，我接受，我的期望成反比。 ”我为他鼓掌，为他的智慧，积极的角度，而不是因为我曾经是他的粉丝，其次肥皂剧家庭关系和回到未来电影三部曲在我十几岁，但因为他与帕金森氏病的人，他一直是一个积极的榜样。 迈克尔被诊断出患有这种疾病时，他才30岁，在他的生活和职业生涯的高峰期。他仍然乐观（帅！ ） ，并已成为一个研究对发现治愈的活动家。他被授予医学博士学位，荣誉学位，在2010年由瑞典卡罗林斯卡医学院，为他的工作在倡导和筹款为治疗帕金森氏病。 他的成就的关键是“接受” - 接受他的健康状况，接受的事情，他不能改变的，并奉献自己的时间和精力的事情，他可以改变为造福社会。他选择了接受过自怜。他的幸福是基于对现实的期望。最重要的，而不是问别人能为他做的，他问自己他能做些什么，为自己和他人。在控制和独立的满意度，导致他的幸福。导致了其他人的幸福（他的家人和朋友，患有帕金森氏病）和他的幸福。 在我多年的工作与照料者，接受有关照料是一个大问题。有些照顾者很难接受的变化，或损失（缺席）的能力，在他们的家庭成员（次） 。有些家长感到沮丧时，他们的孩子有特殊需求不能赶上与发展的里程碑。有些上火，在自己心爱的人患有痴呆症的不合理行为。有些恼火，当他们年老的父母弄湿自己的裤子。不要我们知道，有特殊需要的儿童学习困难，有老年痴呆症的人有认知功能障碍，老年人常见的有大小便失禁？在所有这些挫折，愤怒和失望之中，很多时候，你可以找到内疚。实际上，我们的思维或行为，这样一种消极的方式感到内疚。这是否听起来熟悉吗？ 我们生活中的一个重要组成部分，是要学会接受改变。我们要过的东西，我们不能改变或学会接受那些觉得苦，学会放手者，并最大限度地提高我们的能源，我们可以改变的事情上呢？你认为哪一个更能够做？我想鼓励照顾者持之以恒。由于生活中的变化是一个常数，有时一个问题得到解决自身，即使没有你做任何事情。因此，挂在那里！资深护理人员得到情感上的支持，并受到启发别人的故事 - 这肯定会有助于保持你的士气高。

New insights

Went to a church concert last sat. It had been a while since i last step into a church. Once again been reminded of how I began my walk with God. Interesting questions from the pastor: 1. Are there good people in this world? 2. Are there bad people in this world? Well, both my answers are no. At first my thoughts were how can there be good people because there will definitely be time that man is selfish, jealous or greedy. Secondly, how can there be bad people? Even criminals also love his/her family. I think it is a matter of belief and your stand. And I am right. Pastor also said that there is not so called good or bad people but we are all sinners. 3. Are there sinners in this world? Yes. We are all sinners. But just that we don't even want to face it. Even suddenly at this point, I was abit lost as to why we are called sinners. The pastor began to point out crimes that we think we didn't do in public; our mental thoughts. What hit me most is have you not lied before? Yes, this is one of the reason why I accept God and believe that we are all sinners at the start of time. Well, many would not have agree that we are all sinners. And why should the fault of Adam and Eve befall on us? They were the ones who had ate the fruit of tree and gain the wisdom of good and evil. All these began with greediness and temptation of man giving satan a foothold to dig in and drift man away from God.

Anger in building up in me!!!

I cant believe when my bro questioned me why these things were bought without his acknowledgement. But in the first place did he put his heart in looking after what the family's need? First is the ions cleaner, then the air-cooler. Lucky I told him about the air-cooler before we bought it. Then my dad said he don't like it. We wanted to make him feel comfortable and ended up, we become the one who were blamed. And he said that it was a mistake and he didn't agree to it. So angry with my dad. Should not have spare our thoughts for him to make him feel more comfortable. In the end, blamed by him, then later by my bro saying that he wont pay for the things. Stupid... don't understand them. Me, my sis and my mum should have just pulled ourselves away, far away from all these things. But we just can't. Had been scolded so many times by my dad and yet we are still running errors for him. I really don't wish to have him say thank you to us but please appreciate the things we have done for you. And bro, please take note that it is not that I dont want to talk to you. Is just that every time I talk to you, I see your "angry face" or "why keep me busy face" that really put me off. Also please dont say we didn't tell you these things. Sometimes, things were bought at the very urgent moment and need to be done quick. To be frank, I never think ahead and I am not sure about you. But I believe sis has thought way ahead of me and plan the pave for our benefits. She is calculative not because she wants money. Is just that she cant feel appreciated for the efforts she has done. Please my family give each other some breathing space and stop biting each other. I hated to be in this family too. But can I run from it? I don't think so.

Sadness fills my heart

Sadness fills my heart and now i wish i am the only one living with my parents and looking after them. What the point of being at home when everyone is filled with hatred, anger and whatever... etc. Having my dad sick at home is really bad. Need to clear all the business on hand for the past months. Now still have alot of accounts that needs to be cleared before we can close his company. Now thinking to sell the house to free the cash flow in the family. But things are just not happening the way we want. There seems to be a need to hasten the selling of the flat because of the family argument has arise none stop. No one knows how to help or what can be done. I wanted to look for a consular and everyone think it will not help. I really dont know what i can do. Am i suppose to send both of them out? And just ask them to pay whatever amt for the fees of mum and dad. Should I? Am I capable to do handle later part? The issues will keep on continue coz no one think he or she is at fault. I wanted to help. Now by paying the washing machine to allow everyone to use it. What else more do I need to bear? Bear the emotions of everyone? I hope I can. Lord, if it is the training ground you want be to go through. Please see me through. When everyone told me that he or she has a life to live, so do I (I really hope to answer that way). I may appear as nobody or dont care about anything. Because I know things that need to happen will happen and things that need to come into my life i will have to take it. I cant hide and I cant run. Can someone tell me what i should do.... Help help help.... i am dying. And everyone of my family member are also dying. No one is thinking right. Anger has caused them to close their hearts and not willing to accept anyone. Also not trusting anyone.